


Escapism

by sambethe



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Angst and Smut, F/M, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-30
Updated: 2018-01-30
Packaged: 2019-03-11 07:32:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13519464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sambethe/pseuds/sambethe
Summary: None of this was how he'd wanted to find himself in Michael's bed.Angsty smut, because that's where we are.





	Escapism

**Author's Note:**

> Set just after the end of Despite Yourself.

Not like this.

Ash stretched, his feet tangling in the top sheet that bunched at the end of the bed. Michael lay beside him, her back to him, one shoulder rising and falling with each of her breaths. It should be soothing, the steady rhythm. Instead, he found himself struggling against the urge to bolt, to sink down along the wall, to hide somewhere far from this cold room. 

He had spent weeks fantasizing about this, about Michael in bed with him, her skin warm and smooth against his own. Even in those first few days aboard Discovery, when she was more likely to bestow him with a roll of her eye than her smile. He had thought of the weight of her breast in his palm, the feel of her thigh hitched over his hip, the choked sound she might make as he pressed inside. He had dreamt of her above him, the wry twist of her lips as she shifted, the way each slow movement allowed him to let go. 

He had catalogued each smile he had managed to coax from her. Sitting across the table from her in the mess, he would reach for stories to make her laugh. He had spent hours learning how her mouth curved into the apple of her cheek when she smiled wide, the way her eyes crinkled when she was particularly pleased. He would keep talking, telling her nonsense tales from his days at the Academy just to see what new expression could be found in those smiles.

And now he knew exactly how it felt when pressed between his shoulder blades, against his abs, and on the inner curve of his thigh. The ghost of the sensation brought a smile to his own lips. 

Ash couldn’t remember the last time a girl had him this far gone. He would never say that he was smooth, but Michael left him unsteady in ways he hadn’t known were possible. The last time he had felt this unsure was maybe when he was sixteen, too tall by half and easily entranced with the way the ends of Alice Evans’ bright blonde ponytail curled along the top of his desk. Calculus had nearly been a lost cause. 

(He refused to think of L’Rell, alone in a cell on Discovery, and the flashes of want he couldn’t understand, couldn’t explain. He worked to bury them deep.)

This was not how he had wanted things with Michael to start, not here on a ship that was too dark, too lonely. Surrounded by faces they knew, but everything about them just this side of twisted and wrong. It didn’t stop the temptation, though, the want to curl around her and start again. He followed it, turning and trailing his hand along her hip, his fingers sliding along the length of bone, dipping to the warmth between her thighs.

She had looked so haunted when she’d come back to her quarters earlier, so alone, so lost. 

_ So small. _

The Michael Burnham he knew should never be described as small, and finding her so had left him simultaneously glad he had let himself in and wishing he had let her be. She had been a mirror of his own desperation, of wanting to feel anything but the fear and panic coursing through his veins. 

And he had been so grateful for her. Was still grateful for her, these hours later. 

He needed her to understand. Needed her to know. He _wanted_ her to understand, but he couldn’t form the words then and wasn’t sure he was any closer to being able to now. The feel of Culber’s skin beneath his fingers still remained, the clear snap of his neck continued to echo through him. 

Ash had needed to drown it all out, and Michael had seemed to need the same.

Talking would have been the better plan, but the idea of probing at her wounds made him fear that it would lay his own bare in ways he wasn’t yet prepared for. So he had pressed forward, taking her proffered hand. Allowed himself to fall back when she crawled into his lap, bringing her with him to seek the relief she had offered.

Ash buried his nose against the side of Michael’s neck, breathing in deep. Her scent grounded him, reminding him of home in ways it ought not have.

It should have been in his quarters on the Discovery, their first time. Not here on this ship, in this universe where nothing felt real and everything made his skin itch. He had imagined teasing her at the end of one of their runs, goading her and earning a quirk of her eyebrow before he crowded her, his hands on her hips as he stepped her back into his quarters and into his bed. He had liked to imagine them spending a night off in his quarters, the two of them spread out on the floor watching old movies. He wanted to watch her watch them before pulling her close and using his hands and his lips to distract her from the screen. 

He had so many plans that didn’t involve these stiff sheets and too cold quarters. 

They had missed their first kiss, and now there was  _ this. _

Where exactly had it all gone wrong? Would she ever find it in herself to forgive him?

Michael stirred as his fingers slipped between her folds. Her soft, wet skin slipping against his touch, warm and inviting, had him biting back a groan. He thought about shifting, moving down her body and allowing his mouth to follow the path his hand had mapped out, but she reached back, sliding her hand through his hair and held him to her. Her blunt nails scraped along his scalp, sending sparks along his spine as she cupped his head.

“Ash,” she whispered, her back arching to his chest.

He hummed and dragged his teeth along her shoulder, biting down as he drew one finger up to tease at her clit. Turning to long, slow strokes, Ash focused on each tiny hiccup in her breathing, each sigh that fell from her lips to learn what it was Michael wanted from him. 

When she seemed on the brink, he inched his hand back, gliding it along the top of her thigh to her hip. Bringing his mouth to her ear, he asked, “Bring your leg back.” His fingers gripped at her as she complied, holding her in place until she felt steady. Letting go, he wrapped his hand around himself, giving a languid stroke or two before moving between her legs. He pressed himself along her, pushing up towards her clit before dragging himself back down and repeating the motion again.  

She groaned as he started a third pass. “You’re teasing,” she bit out, tugging at his hair before dropping her hand to his neck. 

Ash smiled and nipped at her ear, pulling another moan from her. The sound wrapped low in his belly, urging him to take what she offered. “Is that any way to talk to an officer?” he asked, shifting back and lining himself up at her entrance. He pushed just enough, letting the head of his cock settle within her. He wanted to groan at the warm feel of her surrounding him, wanted to thrust, to take, but he also wanted to stay right here in this moment. To allow the teasing possibility drive them both mad. 

To exist outside of everything for just another moment.

But then she moved her hips, as much as she could given the angle, encouraging him to push further. “Unless I am mistaken, I -”

He cut off her retort and thrust himself fully inside her. And before she could recover her breath, he pulled out and pressed back again. “What was that?

Her quiet moan was her only response. 

He wanted to relish in their teasing, enjoy the fact that it might almost qualify as normal. But everything was decidedly not normal, and he wasn’t sure how much time they would have. Dropping his hand from her hip to her belly, he curved his fingers to graze along her clit. He drew small circles in time with his shallow thrusts, working to carry her away with him. When he finally felt her begin to contract around him, he let himself go, his movements becoming unsteady and uneven as he felt his release lick along his spine. The sensation tightened and pulled, leaving him short of breath and overwhelmed by the time he opened his eyes and withdrew from her.

Michael turned towards him, giving him a small smile as she slipped her leg between his. “Hey.”

He smiled in response and wrapped an arm around her waist as she reached out and twisted her fingers in the hair falling into his face. 

“We should move.” 

“We should,” he agreed, dropping his forehead to hers

“Maybe in a minute?”

Ash nodded, afraid saying anything further might break the spell. It was only another moment, right? 

They could have this moment of normal, right? 


End file.
